THE LEBOWSKI BAILOUT
BUSH The Banks, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German. Under his breath: THE ECONOMY House Republicans answer, also sotto voce, their eyes still on the three Banks: HOUSE REPUBLICANS The Banks stop conferring. BANK 1 House republicans ignores Bush, addresses the Banks: HOUSE REPUBLICANS The economy is visibly frightened. THE ECONOMY The Banks confer again, in German. BANK 1 Bush is digging into his pocket. HOUSE REPUBLICANS Bush looks in his wallet: BUSH He inspects the change in his palm. BUSH With a ring of steel, Bank 1 produces a glinting saber. BANK 1 House republicans hurl their legislation. BANK 1 Bank 1 cuts House republican's side with the sword and House republican makes him drop it. House republican twists away and grabs Bank 1's head in both hands; draws Bank 1's head up to his mouth, which closes on Bank 1's ear. HOUSE REPUBLICANS Bush confronts the other Bank but draws up short as he sends out karate kicks, The Bank gives a shout with each kick; the Bush leans back, throwing his arms up, evading the kicks. THE THIRD BANK House republican’s jaw is still clamped on Bank 1's ear. House republican is growling as Bank 1 screams, he bites his ear, wagging his head. BUSH He is awkwardly circling, evading the third Bank’s kicks, as he swings the ball bag. THE THIRD BANK (to the Bush off camera) House republican draws back his fist. HOUSE REPUBLICANS Bam!--A powerhouse blow to the middle of his face drops Bank 1for the count. THE THIRD BANK Finally he summons the nerve to charge the Bush, hands raised to deliver karate blows. THE THIRD BANK WHHAP--the boom box swings into frame to smash him in the face. House republican then bashes him in the back and he falls forward. HOUSE REPUBLICANS He and the Bush run over to where BUSH The Economy gasps for air. HOUSE REPUBLICANS Bush runs into the White House. House republican cradles The Economy's shoulders with his right arm. He pats a reassuring left hand on The Economy's chest and sholder. HOUSE REPUBLICANS
Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking bailout.
BANK 1
Vee vant zat money, Bush.
BANK 2
Ja, uzzervize vee kill ze economy.
BANK 3
Ja, it seems you forgot our little deal, Bush.
BUSH
You don't have the fucking economy, dipshit. We know you never did.
Are these the Nazis, House Republicans?
No Economy, these Banks are capitalists, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Vee don't care. Vee still vant zat money Bush or vee fuck you ups.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
Fuck you. Fuck the three of you.
BUSH
Hey, cool it House Republicans.
No, without Congress there is no bailout. That's what a bailout is. Those are the fucking rules.
BANK 2
His subsidiary gafe up her asset base!
BANK 3
She sought we vould get 700 billion dollars!
BANK 1
Iss not fair!
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
FAIR! WHO'S THE FUCKING CAPITALISTS AROUND HERE! YOU, BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES?!
BUSH
Hey, cool it House republicans. Hey look, banks, there never was any money. Wall Street gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with them, man.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
And, I would like my undies back!
Are these guys gonna hurt us, House republicans?
HOUSE REPUBLICAN'S TONE IS GENTLE:
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
No, Economy. These banks are cowards.
THE CONFERENCE ENDS:
Okay. So vee take ze money you haf on you und vee call it eefen.
BUSH
Ah hah.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
Fuck you.
BUSH
Hey no, come on, House republicans, come on, we're ending this thing cheap man.
House republican's eyes, burning with hatred, are locked on Bank 1's.
No! What's mine is mine.
BUSH
Oh, Come on, House republicans!
BANK 1
No funny stuff...
Alright! Alright uh...
BANK 1
No funny stuff!
BUSH
I got uh, four bucks...
...almost five!
THE ECONOMY
(tremulously)
I got eighteen dollars, Bush.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
(grimly)
What's mine is mine.
BANK 1
VEE FUCK THE ECONOMY UP, MAN! VEE TAKES THE MONEY!
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
(coolly)
Come and get it.
VEE FUCK THE ECONOMY UP!
BUSH
Come on man.
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
Show me what you got. capitalists.
BANK 2
I FUCK YOU!
BUSH
House Republicans, come on he's got a sword thing man!
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
Dipshit with a deposit base-less subsidiary.
BANK 1
I FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
Bank 2 is caught off-guard. The legislation thuds into his chest and buckles him over.
He falls forward onto one hand, gasping.
Bank 1 charges at House republicans with the saber.
I FUCK YOU, I PIG STICK--
ARRGGG!
I FUCK YOU!
BUSH
Take it easy man!
THE THIRD BANK
I FUCK YOU!
BUSH
Take the four dollars!
THE THIRD BANK
I FUCK YOU!... I FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!
The second Bank is crawling on his stomach gasping.
I'm gonna hit you with the fuckin' ball man.
House republicans, still worrying the ear. With a tearing sound his head and Bank 1's separate.
BANK 1, EARLESS, SCREAMS.
House republicans spit his ear into the air, the camera follows it up.
VEAKLING! I FUCK YOU!
ANTI-SEMITE!
The second Bank is still pulling himself along on his stomach.
The Bush and the third Bank, both now panting heavily, have yet to establish body contact. The Bank continues to kick.
I FUCK YOU IN THE ASS! I FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!
I FUCK YOU. I FUCK YOU. I FUCK YOU. I FUCK--
All quiet.
House republicans, panting, looks around.
We've got a man down, Bush.
The Economy, lies gasping on the ground.
God! They shot him, man!
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
He's not shot. No Bush.
BUSH
They shot The Economy?
There weren't any shots fired.
BUSH
Huh?
HOUSE REPUBLICANS
It's a heart attack. Call the medics, Bush.I'd go myself but I'm pumping blood. Might pass out.
Rest easy, good buddy, you're doing fine. We got help choppering in.